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Title
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Mary Whitehead (1737-1769)
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Creator
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Whitehead, Mary, 1737-1769
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Publisher
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Moravian Lives Project
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Date
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1769
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Type
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Text
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Format
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image/jpg
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Description
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Written in English, this document is an autobiographical spiritual memoir entitled The Course of Life of Sister Mary Astill. Written in first person, the narrative recounts Mary Astill’s birth in 1731 in Melksham, her childhood religious upbringing, spiritual struggles, and gradual religious development within the Moravian tradition. The memoir reflects themes common to Moravian spiritual literature, including repentance, inward conviction, salvation, prayer, and Christian fellowship.
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Subject
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Whitehead, Mary, 1737-1769
Moravians--Biography
Women--Biography
Autobiographies
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Identifier
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Ful/SS/25
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Place
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Fulneck, England
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Language
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eng
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Extent
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12 pages
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Rights Holder
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Fulneck Moravian Archives, Fulneck, England
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transcript of
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The course of Life of the SS Mary Whithead
I was born in streedside in the parish of Tong, May 10th 1737. My parents being presbns I was Baptz & Educated the same religion, my father departed This Life when I was 7 year old & Left my dear mother with 7 Children to struggle with the difficulties of Life in very much lower Circumstances then she’d ever been us’d to The Lord blesst Her chereful endeavours for our suport, till such Times as we cou’d Earn a little for ourselves.
about my 8 year I came into concern after my salvation, & was much affected by reading in the Scriptures which spoke of our Savrs death & sufferings, ask’d my dear mother what was the occasion, the resolv’d me in the best manner she was able told me that Children was sinful creatures as well as up grown people & that we must learn to love God & not the evil things of this world, I was much affected & Terified when I did ought that was not right, & when I see my Sister going to the Meetings I desired to go with Her, but she refused me, however I & some other Childrn ventured to the Meeting which was kept at Richd Mortimers in Holm Lane & Br Schleet sung the verse, dearest Side Hole, I do covet thy warm blood above all things Viz & spoke in the same manner over our Savrs death & suffering as I had read, & said no one can be saved
without they become acquainted with the man Christ Jesus, from this time I went constantly to the Meetings & become I much noticed by Srs Rachel Walker, who spoke with me about loveing the Lord Jesus, which made a great impression on my mind. I was soon received into the Children Choir & Cared for by Br & Sister Helt & also went to the Children school kept by the Single Sisters which was a great blessing to my heart, from this Time I went on till my 13th year & on the Gr Girls Festival was received into their choir, were a new schooling soon commenced. My Spoilt & corrptd nature began to appear more & more, & tho’ I would willingly have been wholy our dr Savrs yet in volantary to my self my natural disposition wou’d have lead me into the world, If strong conviction from the Holy Spirit had not told me I shu’d be a mind & undone Creature My Sinfulness & great deviation which I felt I kept intirely from my Labourers, believing they neither knew nor felt such things as I did; therefore would reproach me that I wou’d not so love or be our Savrs but thought I woul’d be more communicable when all my Sinfulness was done away, I longed with Earnest to be as acquaintd with My dear Savr & have my sins forgiven, but nothing yet of this cou’d I attain & in my 16 year I got the smallpox being dangerously ill I was visitd by Sr Lorel Seidel who who Labours amongest the Girls, she ask me If I did not recover had I any asshurrance that I was our dr Savrs, I told Her no, but I believed He woud have Mercy on me & bring further acquaintd with himself before be took me Hence, of this
Sickness I recoverd & retaind a true desire in my Heart to become acquaintd, with My dear redeemer, yet I was not without intervals of turning into the world as I cou’d come to no realise in My Heart but since have seen how thro grace & mercy I have been preserved,
in the year 1757 I made known my desire to my Labourer to be receivd into the congregation & resolved to give my self up to our dearest Savr as a spoilt poor creature as I was; without waiting till I was better or Holy; with this impression on My Mind that as I could not get myself freed’d from Sinfulness He must take me as I am for I cou’d wait no longer; I came to the Evening Meeting at fulneck the first that Br Latrobe kept after His arrival there, who sung, I’ll weep when’re thoust not home Viz. & kept the discourse from the same words, which made such an impression upon me, that I become like wax before the fire, in My returning home had the oppertunity to give ful vent to my Crys enterd into a field there prostratd with a Thousand tears before my Lambs feet who gave me this Happy meeting, which has been So momentious to me as never to be forgotten tho’ all my future course, for this End He had followed & preservd me to Seal me as His own.
I returnd home, the rest & peace My soul injoyd sufficed for that night without any other Slumber to My Eyes & I was quite another Creature then before & about 5 days after this I had the Grace July 20th to be received into the congregation this brought a fresh concern upon me How I might use this
Grace according to the mind of my beloved, & tho’ I had Experienced that He had accepted of me in the depth of my wretchedness & misery, yet I wanted to please Him with myself Holiness & prittyness of Heart rather then move as a Sinful poor creature, in His presance
in the year 1758 I was received into the Srs Choir in which I found I had many things to learn I felt a real desire to come unto the Choirhouse but as my mother, told me she shou’d not assist me, & I feard the choirhouse Expencis wou’d be more then I cou’d Earn by Spinning I was much discouraged, but being wearied out by the daily calls & convictions of my Heart, I came to such a resolution that come Life or death I must venture & was comforted by those words, seek the kingdom of Heaven & all other things will be added,
augst. 18 1760 I injoyd the Great Grace to remove into the Choir house, little Expecting the unhappyness that did befall me, in this dear place I only injoy 12 weeks of real cherefulness before a most dangerous delution gaind deep Ground in My Heart & mind, yea hourly the devils Craft laid Such hold on me, that I reason’d over every thing I heard or saw & thought If I got not speedaly from the house I shou;d be destitute of every needful clothing & I shou’d be oblige to go for real want Moreover arts was not wanting to step in to my assistance & under pretence of going to see my mother, shou’d be the means I would make use of, haveing Made a My Matters quite compleat full of sly & craft I ventured of
when I had got about half way home I was all at once Sized with such ap that I stood quite still, Crying out aloud, Lord have Mercy what have I done, many Questions pro; & con pulse in My heart & Conscience, peter denny’d His Lord but peter did not deceive His Brnn as I have done My Sisters; pretending to Love them & had nothing real at the bottom. & then comforting my self that prehep I shou’d be happy with my mother & sisters, who received me very Gladly past some time with an outward Brisk deportment least any one Shoud see alook of pennitence or condemnation which was all the while mixt with the Severest cutting pain, thus I went on till Christmas & at the night watch I took Courage to venture with out leave into the Srs House, Trembling & frighten allmost out of My Sencies, yet with an asumed boldness; all who saw me viewd me as a Specture. Ann Birkby was the first who came & spoke to me & askd me how I cou’d think of entering this house after such deceite as I had been Guilty of; Especial to the Labourers before whom So Lately in My Classes I had spoke so cherefuly & satisfied, as I did, the truth of what she said reproach & smote my very Heart & conscience; I felt my self as a criminal before the place of Execution, got out of the house as fast as ever I could, not reflecting it was night I hasten home, my Eyes knew no rest for this night & several more, the dreadful apprehenion of every moment being my Last was Continnualy with me, those Eyes who as flames of fire to the Guilty persue’d me were ever I went
in this deplorable situation I spent one whole week then resolved to beg forgiveness of My Choir in write, for without them I cou’d not bear My Life much longer the contents of what I wrote move’d My dear Labouress to send Sistrs to me the sight of which, Suprised me beyond myself so that I could say very little to them, they comfort me in My deep distress, & told me If it was a realite in my Heart that I coud not live with them, I had leave to come to all the opportunities of the Soccitie Sisters, my thankfulness for this was fare from being what it shou’d have been, for my pride made a further claim but this I kept at under all I cou’d, resolve’d to impertune My dearest Lamb for through restoration of My happy lott amongest the Sisters, & begd the favour to Speak My self unto My Laboureres, the permission of which had likd to have cost me very dear, the Guilt & distraction of My mind sized me in such a manner, that had not her friendly arm & bosom been My Suport Id sunk down at Her feet, So is Enough be comfortd, & feel we love you turn you to our dr Savr, & If you cannot do be satisfied without fellowship with us, you must only Seriously consider that you must Expect to confirm, to the Circumstances & regulations of our house & thro’ Grace suit your self to them, I coud from that moment have seald it as with my Life that those things & I was but once a gain within the house that they wou’d never be any Molestation to my peace; Ah little did I know,
what a poor weak Human Creature was daily yet to appear in me, I return’d home but with a Heavy Heart pour’d out my Living desires with Tears to be forgiven by My Savr & His congregation & the next day I felt the Grace to be a real pennitent in My Heart & in the feeling sence of my Humility I found it no hard Task to beg most Earnestly forgiveness of my Choirs & the Congregation by writing without feeling any right or worthyness at all, this was read in the Conference & on the following Sunday the Joyful Tidings was imparted that I had leave to come again into the Choirhouse, this Humbled me into the very dust before My dearest Savr & on April 7th 1761 I had the Grace be received in the midst of my Choir within as humane of there love by my dr Srs many who told me that all former things should be quite forgotten & forgiven, kiss me recomm’d me the to the Heart of of My beloved Savr thus I was blesst for a new beginning but a lass I misst the path for My Joy & thankful ness soon abated & I began to doubt over the Sisters not loveing me as they did one another My unsinnerlike way of thinking hear brought me into abstructedness of every kind & great dry ness of Heart inso much that I felt my self like fish out of water, all which I kep intirely to my self thinking I should never more prosper in this Time, & tho’ I had so Lately felt what it was to be Seperatd from the fellowship of my Choir yet My pride look for more Complacency from the Sisters, which my foregeget [Vorsteherin] told me then I
merited or deserved, this reprove brought me more upon My heart then ought I had meet with & I plainly see the fault lay intirely in my self, I became more Sinnerlike & humble & then love & mercy pourd in upon me & my Gracious Lord gave me leave to become a candidate for the Holy Sacrement Nov 20th 1761 & on March 13th 1762 I had the Grace to become a participant of the Holy Corpses & blood which put much to shame & also the gracious promise of the w w, of the day. I will make an End of all thy Morning & days of Joy shall begin.
May the following I was direct’d to keep the Childrns School in the Country first Mirfield & then wyke which did not comprise very long; by this appearently I had many things to learn & got a daily insight of short falling, but was thankful to injoy rest & peace again in My dr Choirhouse were Id not been Long before before I was took with an intemit ing fever to gather with my Scurbile disorder that came on me Spring & fall, which occasion me 13 week Sickness in the Sickroom which was no small blessing to my heart He provd Himself my all in all Circumstance in My course the dependant situation I was often brought into thro’ Sickness & other Occasion was very Contrary to My disposition but My Savr provd it needful & wholesome for me tho’ it caused me many an heavy hour, to be thus burdensome to My dear Choir.
the repeated sickness of our Happyly departed Sister caused Her many reflections of the last mention’d kind, as her natural Tendency was not to be burthemsom she applied herself industriously on all occasion that she might maintain herself, but our dr Lord who know the disposition of Her mind used all possable means to indear Himself unto Her heart as the only object to be depended on, she was very ??? of Her own depravity, & the Inclination to Serve or do Something for our Savr was at Times such a fine as Carry’d Her beyond the Sinnerpoint & injoyment of her wounded friend: this impatient ambition caus’d Her many perplexing Moments, which our Drst Lord had to comfort Her very often about. 3 months ago, Her former disorder fell upon Her Stomach & early vorlent reachings which occasiond Her moveing into the Sickroom from the Grt Girls whom she had served with great faithfulness Dureing the short time she was with them when in the sickroom it was Soon perceiveable that our dearest Savr intend by this Sickiness to finish Her Course in this Time, but she did not believe it, till Her bodily weakness increased so fast, that she often cal’d out to Her deavest Bridegroom to prepare Her Speedily for His arms & bosom as a poor needy Sinner who thro’ the merits of His wounds that She might enter into her eternal rest. She often with the greatert earnestness wou’d Express how happy it was to have a recconsil’d Heart & no other desires then to wait with patience those redeemers will
& to retain a true & lively sense of all the Grace bestowd upon one Especialy in Such hours & moments when the bodily pains pours in beyond all patience, a few days before Her departure she askd the Sister If they thought or know of ought that cou’d detain Her she thought she had nothing on Her Mind, but what she had throughly spoke about with Her Hearts best freind, but she was answerd by a Sr that patience & resignation with a longing spirit after Him is of Happy Consequence to a Soul thats waiting for His comeing, she paus’d a little & then said. Ah that is it, He alone can give me patience, tho’ I want to be with Him yet Ill wait His Time, Her longing increase every moment & Her great pain which had infeeababled Her dying bones grew more bearable & on the 29 of June between the hours of 11 & 12 in the night she fell softly & Happyly asleep, thus Closed Her Course haveing spent 32 years & some days in this Time
