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Title
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Ian McMillan (-1810)
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Publisher
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Moravian Lives Project
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Date
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1810
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Type
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Text
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Format
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image/jpg
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Description
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This detailed prison journal recounts the final weeks of I. McMillan, a Scottish linen weaver executed at Ayr in 1810 for poisoning a young woman in an attempted abortion that resulted in both her death and that of her child. The narrative follows his gradual spiritual transformation while awaiting execution, recorded through repeated visits by ministers. At first he appeared self-righteous and more distressed about his punishment than his soul, but over time he became increasingly repentant, acknowledging the seriousness of his sins, his moral failings, and his need for God’s mercy. He reflected deeply on Christ’s suffering, prayed fervently, and expressed hope in salvation through the atonement of Jesus rather than through his own goodness. Though terrified by the shame of execution and concerned for his family, he eventually faced death with calmness and composure, repeatedly warning others about the dangers of temptation and sin. On the day of his execution, after prayer and hymns with ministers, he declared himself ready and died expressing trust in Christ’s mercy and “the atoning blood of Jesus.”
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Subject
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McMillan, Ian, -1810
Moravians--Biography
Prisoners
Biographies
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Identifier
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Ful/3/149
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Place
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Fulneck, England
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Language
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English
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Extent
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14 pages
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Rights Holder
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Fulneck Moravian Archives, Fulneck, England
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transcript of
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I McMillan, excuted at Ayr May [Friday] 25. 1810.
He was tried & condemned Apr. 17 & 18 for having administered poison to a young woman, which occasioned not only the death of her child, but her own death. He was a native of Scotland [Friday] 20 Mar. I called upon him the first time. He expressed his pleasure at seeing me (Mr Paul having the night before told him who I was). He told me be had been in Gracehill in the way of trade. But otherwise he did not say much. He was unwell, thro’ the agitation of his mind. His distress was augmented, as he had been quite confident he would be acquitted, even to the very last. He thought his fate very hard, tho’ he had received justice at the trial. He felt much 23 & 25 /
Visited him again. He was greatly distresed at that part of the sentence, by which his body was to be given to the Surgeon. Endeavoured to pacify him and lead his attention to concerns of his soul. His mind greatly relieved by Gaolor mentioning, he understood fr. the Provost, his body would scarcely be asked for by Surgeons at Edinburgh. At these visits he appeared rather selfrighteous, priding himself upon his supposed moral conduct in every other respect, excepting the crime for which he was condemned. 28. / He was greatly alarmed with the future judgment. He said, he saw sin now to be a very great evil. He seemed distressed
that he did not feel sufficient fluency & eloquence in praying. I endeavoured to put him to rights on that head. Henry Cowen had just been with him, and I rather suspect, that he & I J. Gac perplex his mind with subjects of that kind. May. 1 / Saw him again, He seems to increase in self knowledge, and in desire to after our Savior. The Meth. Minister came in. I thought his manner of speaking, to the Prisoner very suitable. He urged him to use the utmost simplicity in applying to our Savior, and to come to him just in he was, without thinking to make himself better. [Thursday].3. / Was nearly an hour with him. He said he had no goodness or merit at all to plead bef. God. He had comitted innumerable sins, for which God might justly condemn him, independent of the crime for which he suffered. He was able to give up his mother & relatives to God, and not distress himself any more on their account. He did not intend to leave anything behind him in writing as he thought it was not becoming a criminal to speak with too much assurance of himself, and it might tend to make others presume on the mercy of God, and harden them in sin. [Thursday].10./ Prisoner feels more composed this he is sensible Religion has made a change upon him – afraid to be too confident
lest he shoud say “peace, peace where there is no peace” afraid his repentance is not sufficiently deep and that he cannot sorrow for sins as he ought. enjoys more liberty in prayer. [Saturday]. 12 / met with Mr Watson in the Prison, and had not much conversation with the Prisoner. [Monday]. 14./ Methodist minister & I had not been long in when the Prisoner’s brother, Alexander, came in and as they were going to a last farewell of each other, we soon left him. [Tuesday]. 15./ Was nearly an hour alone with Prisoner, and he talked a good deal. Revd. Arthur Stewart of Kirkeowen / 3 miles fr. Wigton / preaches the Gospel, is a pious old man, had great regard for Prisoner, and was greatly affected with his fate. Prisoner has written to him / I heard afterwards that the Schoolmaster had written to Alexander, the Dyer, saying Prisoner had born a very good character in the parish; and wishing him to visit the Prisoner./ Prisoner said, he was going to write to his principle prosecutor, who, he heard, was greatly troubled now, to assure him he died in peace with all men and hoped God would be merciful to his soul. Afterwards told me, he had been persuaded by a friend not to write. Prisoner’s father was a weaver, he was brought up to that business, & had little land. He can protest with his dying breath, that he did not intend to take the woman’s life was ignorant of the strength of the poison that he got it according to her repeated requests, was in a great hurry when he brought it her for his father was lying upon his death bed
and would not have him to be absent that he instructed the woman to be cautious in the use of it, especially to keep fr. getting cold, to which she replied, that her Master would have little or no more Out-door work to do for her. They did not suppose the child to be quickend at the time, and therefore thought it was no sin to use means to produce abortion, they only wished to hide their shame. I particularly interrogated him upon this part of the crime, and what he now thought respecting his conduct. He said, he now felt convinced, that his first connexion with the woman was a damnable sin, that taking life in any state of existence & under any circumstances, not absolutely unavoidable, was a heinous crime. He would be absolutely without hope if it were not, that God so loved the world &c. Regarding his former life, he said: I was sober honest, & generally respected, went diligently to church, but I sought more the presise of men, than that of God. I had no life in my soul he saw little need of grace, & therefore never seriously prayed for it. To what an awful length of wickedness have I been driven, by no resisting temptation and being left to myself. but I hope the Lord will yet grant me Repentance unto life. With regard to my notions of religion they are not grearly altered, tho’ my views of the Gospel are clearer and I feel something of their influence. I in a measure knew
and sometimes thought of these truths before, but they never impreseed my mind as they do now.” The fear of death was greatly taken fr. him, and he could be con tented & happy to die in an ordinary way but his death was peculiarly bitter, and he felt especially for his friends. He was afraid he could no so forget them as he ought to do. I told him, it was not required, we shld love our special concern for friends, but so commit them to our Savior and leave them in the hands of a faithful friend, as not to fret & never rule against God. Referred to Xs [Christ’s] words: “Son behold thy mother &c. This consoled him. He said, “I with my fds. may take warning by me, and walk cautiously on the slippery paths of life, shld my unhappy fate be the means of awakening, and converting any of them, I shld have cause to rejoice even at my misfortune. Indeed I wish sinners at large may take warning by me.” “I fear the depravity of my heart, lest I shld deceive myself in my present hope; I think I could speak with mor assurd assurances, if I was at large in the world, and could had more opportunities to show the sincerity of my Repentance.” I have been reading Luke XV. It is an encouraging chapter. And that is a re[le]vant passage: “Turn ye Prisoners of hope I pointed out to him Isaiah 1-3 with its reference in Luke IV. 18.
“The forepart of ??. I sleep little. I used to dread this life. but now I spend it in sweet meditation. [Thursday]. 17./ He is 3 mos. 35 years of age was never married, is a linen weaver. He went to Whitehaven, In to be out of the way for a few days not apprehending any danger. Here he was taken while walking carelessly about in the market. 19 weeks confined in Wigton Jail. persuaded by all there was not fear urged to escape, wh. cld. easily be affected but was confident of acquittal. “My escape would have gratified my frds but now I think I have reason to be thankful I did not do it.” “At first when I came here, I had not appatite but I forced myself, as people said I was going to starve myself, I wished not clamour to be raised for my gt. sins was the praise of man, or I would not come here.” ???? he wld not have done what he did to hide his shame/ “David watered his couch with his tears Mary M. bathed X’s [Christ’s] feet, but my hard heart does not feel that compunction, O for deeper sorrow!” “Peter said, Lord thou knowest I dare not say so, but I may say: thou knowest I de sire to love thee, O what beauty is there in our Savior.” “When I was very young; I had a woman with child, it greatly distressed me, and I long desird it but I then setted something upon the child.” I afterwards avoided
temptation, till I fell in with this woman I was too weak to resist God knows what distress I have felt since and still feel, but I believe be hath pardoned me.” “I die in peace with all mankind I have nothing against Prsecutor, Jury or Judge.” “I shall always have reason to pray for par don to the very last moment for there is no perfection in this world.” “It is finished!” How delightful. It is the most precious sentence in the Bible to a Sinner who can do nothing himself, and has given to believe in it.” “When I have escaped, I shall remember in heaven, My Crimes; it will add to my Joy. ??? say: He loved & washed his sin. they have no? recollection of sin. “What a mercy I was so well attended, the Lord will reward you.” I said: We are by nature sinners like you “No. He said, “how unmindful are we of the slippery path It is very slippery” “How many happy hours do I now spend in intercourse with my Savior” “The heart is deceitful, especially mine I greatly fear it.” “I have attempted to do good works, but they have been only an Insult to God, they were done to buy God’s favor but now I wld wish to do it out of love to my Savior.” [Friday]. 18/ Was in Prison first- 2 1/2 getting Mr Paul to let me in at the end J. Genocty came
“I have just read Rom VII. I think it very applicable to my case, especially: “O wretched man that I am.” I read a passage of Taylor to him. He seemed much struck with it. He thought much of the hymn; Come ye Sinners poor & wretched &c. which I repeated. “My time passes very quickly in meditation & prayer. “I wish my relations, fellow prisoners & all mankind wld. take warning by me — I earnestly pray for them.” “What a blessed thing it is that we have the gospel. “I wish I may be supported at the last.” “When McLean came to me the day of Condemnation, his observation had no impression upon me.” He was 2 days in Carlisle Jail came to Wigton beginning of December.” His relatives much built in their worldly concerns by his removal. “I was never a hardened Sinner, but I attempted religion in my own strength.” “I knew much more of Bible before but my memory fails.” “I heard the Sentence with gt confusion it did not seize till I came into the passage.” “I think I leave a good hope but I am jealous lest my heart shld. be deceived by Satan.”
[Saturday]. 19. / Mr Lawson came in. Prisoner got a letter, Barber came. He had dreamed much of me, thinking I was not well and he led me down the street. He said nothing new. He wishes he could make a firm covenant with the Lord. [Monday] 21./ Went to the Prison at 2. “tonight I felt greatly distressed with a sense of my sins, they stood all before me, But I was relieved by a most uncommon feeling of happiness, I felt my heart glow, full of joy, sense of pardoning love I cannot express it. Surely I am not deceiving myself. I am a great, very great sinner but I think God’s mercy is greater. I love to trace the sufferings of X [Christ]. there I see Divine love.” Letter he got on [Saturday] was fr. his Minister, who gave evangelical advice. Prisoner now speak with more feeling, emotion. Tuesday 22./ Mor. Mr Lawson & I were in. Prisoner mentioned the sympathy of his frnds & sayd he desired comfort for it, but added what is the friendship of the world now to me, if I have not friendship of God.” He heard of X’s [Christ’s] sympathy with emotion. “I have lived in pleasure, but it had a sting. In midst of a jovial companions I wondered I would not be happy.” Here in jail the Lord shall wipe tears time has gone swiftly & quickly, never did it pass so quickly. the fatal day is near. time flies & has an end but God’s mercy endureth forever.”
“Lord will wipe away tears” Many thousand tears have I shed here. and shall continue to weep till the last. tho’ now my tears are mixed with joy. the more I feel of the love of God, the more heinous do also my sins appear, but his love prevents despair.” -“God’s pardoning love fills me with joy ‘it shall be my ??? while here and ??? eternity I shall sing; to him that loved &c” “O that it is a precious promise, there shall be a fountain &c. “At first I could not attend to anything the Ministers said to me, I could not remember their conversationx, during the very prayers my mind was distracted. but now I could wish at to have them all day with me, I feel happy in their company and happy in the recollections.” Ques. “Do you not think your indifference arose in part; fr want of conviction of your sins, your supposed innocence?” Ans. “Yes. But now I have nothing to rely I continue as but free grace.” “I continue jealous over myself, but I sense my strength will be equal to my day.” [Wednesday] 23./ Mr Lawson & I were in. “My best actions have be sinful. It was my deceitful heart wh harried me on to comission of this crime.” “I had oft good desires, but they were lost.” “I prayed in Wigton Jail, but it was for life & liberty. my heart clave to the earth. my treasure was there. How I hope my treasure is in Heaven. I pray with conviction & compas of my sins.
Tho’ Devil’s sin was forgiven him, yet divine judgements were not removed in this world, so I think, it is with me.” “My case formerly was like Israelites, who prayed for divine direction, yet when it run counter to their own inclinations, they wld. not follow it; now I hope I wish to give my whole heart to Jesus.” “I hope my inprisonment will be a blessing to my fate. I wish it may be a warning to all. I may have reason to bless God for it on their account to all eternity.” [Thursday]/ 24./ Saw him at 2. Revd Anld had just come out, with whom I had some talk. Expressed his astonishment on Prisoner’s composure. Asked me, what I thought it arose from. I told him, Prisoner had been convinced of & confessed his crime, had cried for mercy, and confessed he professed himself now to have a good hope of Salvation. Mr Anld did not think that the evidence was so strong to condemn him, as the Indictment charged him not with the Child’s death but only with that of the woman, and the intention of this appeared not proved; indeed Prisoner always denies having had the least intention of that kind. Was not long with Prisoner, as a friend of his came in to speak of some family concerns, and I could not pray with him on that account for want of time.
He said: Sting of death was now gone These texts particularly comfortable: God so loved world. Came not call righteous. J.C. came into world to save Sinners. Baily Shirkland had been in, I “He asked me, said Prisoner,” if I had employed my time well? I was going to tell him / but he just went away / that tho’ it was my duty to employ my time, I could never have done it to good pur pose, if the Lord had not given me his grace; and that whatever I might have done, I had nothing to rely upon but the finished work of Christ.” In our meeting this evening I read Luke XV and then mentioned that this chapter had been particularly comforting to the Prisoner, and that I had reason to think, he had himself felt something of that love of X. [Christ] to sinners which is there so strikingly represented. We closed with an prayer kneeling during which all seemed greatly affected. In the night 3 ??? watchd with Prisoner. I. Gunby told me next morning, that in the early part of night Prisoner had been so affected with his approaching end as to tremble, but he grew gradually composed. [Friday]. 25. / Execution Day. I went to the Prison soon after 9 but hearing, that Stevenson & Lawson & several others were in, I did not go to him. And understanding Mr. Auld was to come at 10 and wanted to be alone with Prisoner, I returnd home, but went back again before 11.
Auld had not yet arrived, but he came soon. Meanwhile I waited in the guard room Shaw came; and when Auld came out, we went in together. Prisoner was just then taking leave of his brother / who had come last night / the scene was affecting and very trying to him; but he recovered himself in a few moments. I had addressed & prayed with him. I then spoke a few words, and desired him to fix on a Psalm to be sung, he gave an mentioned Psalm 107 Gauchy presented. I then prayed. Shaw now went away, but Maclean came in. He spoke to him, another psalm was sung, and then he prayd. Maclean then urged Prisoner to pray; he did it, but seemed put to. Stevenson now came in. Maclean & I went out for 1/2 hour, and then returned. Stevenson was still speaking to him & then prayed. Prisoner wished the hymn no. in Wise Coll. to be sung: “The hour of my depature’s come &c. I then prayed with him. All present were now ordered to leave him, except us Ministers. Stevenson now proposed to him to kneel down & offer a silent prayer. He did so for about 10 minutes, and uttered the 2 or 3 last sentences aloud: “Lord Jesus receive my spirit, that I may join in the song of praise to the Lamb, that was slain forever & ever. He then said: “The Lord’s goodness to me hath been very great, O that I could love him better. It was intimated, the Executioner would previously come & tie his arms. Stevenson encouraged him very affectio
nately, reminded him, Our Savior had an experimental fellow feeling with us in distress. Just then Bailey Donaldson came & told him his time was come, fell he replied. “I am ready Sir,” Executioner tied his arms behind very gently. He went out immediately followed by us 3 Ministers. In Outer passage went ???? & an acquaintance of his, Mr Ken of Constant send a short paper he had signed, expression of his thanks to Prisoner, and at ??? ????? and that he hoped for mercy thro’ atoning blood of Jesus.” He went forward with steady steps. we took leave of him, He spent 3 or 4 mi nutes is silent prayer, dropped made the sign, but executioner was not imediately ready. He died almost without struggle. He was wonderfully composed, & to the last asserted his hope was solely built on the Atonement. When he had risen fr. his last prayer in the cell, he said; “The Lord God fear. this was his last observation, The crowd was great, but care been taken taken that the Prison was not crowded. When he was suspended, Stevenson & I & the 2 Baillies the Dean of Guild went into the Constable. He came out at 3 o’cl. His corpse was this evening taken away by 2 Glasgow Doctors in a gig, who had to be guarded thro’ the town, a yet were pelted with stones. I got home at 4 o’Cl.
